Earlier today, I found myself reading through an article about injuries from Domestic Violence incidents. I hate the word incident. It's not an incident; it's a planned and psychologically twisted cycle of manipulation and any type of abuse that seems fit. Whether it's financial, verbal, psychological, or physical...the abuser knows exactly what they're doing. It is by no means an "incident". An incident is when a child falls and scrapes their knee while playing, or when a branch falls off a tree onto a roof. Making someone feel as small and inferior as humanly possible, making someone constantly second guess everything they do, making someone loathe physical touch, making someone completely lose their own identity; now, that's abuse.
I was in an abusive relationship for 4 years and 8 months. The legal separation was thanks to a court ordered no contact order against my ex, Mr. Allan Springstead, exactly 4 years into the relationship...more so, 4 years into the sentencing. The extra 8 months was from Allan psychologically manipulating me...making me a victim once again to his psychotic games. I guess I have a hard time understanding why narcissists do what they do. I would never intentionally hurt someone; that is just sick. He would hurt me to make himself feel better. He would hurt my children to make me hurt, so that he would feel better. It wasn't always physical abuse either. Honestly, the physical abuse was terrible and I never realized how close to death I was multiple times; after losing consciousness from blows to my head, or from being strangled to the point of starting to black out. I never gave up though. I knew I had to stay alive for my kids...otherwise they would be in the same exact situation I was in 20 years down the road. I could handle the physical abuse like a champ. I am not proud that I can hold my own in a fight, but that's something you learn when you're constantly put in a survival mode situation. My mind is exhausted from being with Allan. I am constantly losing my train of thought, I have triggers everywhere that bring up old memories or feelings. My mind is constantly running, even when shut down. The fear never subsides. When someone puts your life below theirs on a daily basis, you get defensive. He basically dug my grave for me, beat the emotional and physical shit out of me so I couldn't escape, and I watched as he slowly dumped dirt over me. I knew if I could get the strength to just climb out, I'd be okay. I had doubted the escape...until I realized that my children were also in the grave with me. I wasn't just letting him kill me slowly; he was killing my children and their beautiful personalities. If you know anything about mothers, you are fully aware of momma bears. I am for sure a momma bear. You mess with, or even look like you're going to mess with my kids and I will make your life a living hell. Sure, he would be there always as their biological father, but someone would hold him accountable for what he did to their mother, and I would be able to live knowing I had always done right by my kids. I finally started to see the light, and decided to escape that grave he had dug for me. I'm so glad to have escaped. I now have a second chance at life. My kids also have a second chance. That's all I can ask for.
I am now blogging here about experiences, feelings, readings, and basically treating this as a journal. On my facebook I post plenty of DV posts, but really want to have an impact on women who are stuck in their own graves, watching their abusers disregard their right to human life. I want them to see the light and let them know that they deserve to be loved and respected...and treated like a queen. There is true love out there. You will find someone who makes you feel like the luckiest woman in the world...you'll find a love that you thought only existed in Hollywood. Anyway, follow for more posts. I will post mostly at night...but the posts will be about anything and everything. In abusive relationships, you are always on a roller coaster of emotions, and that's how life stays after you're out of the relationship; so I plan on posting accordingly.
Since my hellish relationship, I've had time to figure out who I am, what I stand for, and what I want from life. I grow everyday, and still have my bad days occasionally. Luckily, from this entire experience, I have bevome the most confident version of myself. I live everyday knowing that I am who I am, and that's great. Anyone who thinks otherwise can honestly kiss my ass. Confidence and security with one's self is key to success in life; it's what I want to instill in my kids. Luckily, I have met a man who treats me like a queen and he reminds me how necessary confidence is in life. I can be myself around him...even the self who is still figuring out her shit. He accepts me for me and encourages me to be who I am; because to him, I'm perfect the way I am. I love that the kids see us together. We are happy, and the kids pick up on that. They also have an example of how adults communicate in a healthy and respectful way with one another. We solve problems and stick together. Kids need that in their lives. Healthy examples of relationships are SO important for developing minds. Anyway, enjoy the blog and please please please don't hesitate to leave if you've been thinking about it. Come up with a safety plan and call or visit your local Domestic Violence Services center. They are so helpful. But overall, please be safe and stay alive. Your life is worth it. ❤❤❤
Night y'all
💜Linds
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