You are amazing. You are loved. You are WANTED.

I feel like a lot of issues in this world revolve around people feeling wanted...or unwanted. I know growing up I felt completely displaced, alone, and unwanted. My parents tried to give us "the dream", but forgot about being THERE for us. Honestly, if both of my parents put an equal amount of focus on us, as they had with their jobs, both my brother's and my own life would be absolutely different. We would feel love. We would feel placed. We wouldn't look for our lost selves in others or in material things. I looked for myself in men. My brother looked for himself in drugs and alcohol. I have always based "who I am" on what I think people want to perceive me as. In the last couple weeks, I have been trying to be honest with myself. I have been failing...mostly because I don't even know who I am. I don't know myself. At all. It is scary, alarming, and disappointing that I can go through life NOT knowing myself. I really don't know my emotions...that explains why I never cry. Well, until tonight. Something happened (not out of the ordinary), where I found that I wanted something but didn't take the chance to get it. For some reason, I have an underlying feeling that I didn't deserve it...or that my goals weren't important. I am so thankful for Alberto...we had just been talking about being honest with oneself. The event had triggered something from the talk we had held earlier, and I just shut down and started bawling. I couldn't stop crying for nearly 45 minutes. I was absolutely heartbroken. This was just over an hour ago.

Here's the thing: I grew up in a VERY hate filled household. There was absolutely no emotional support in my family. My parents were horrible to one another, and abusive in their relationship. My role (that I took on around age 4) was to be the middle person; to make sure neither of my parents physically hurt one another. Imagine a 6 year old in between two adults trying to push and shove one another. That was me. That was my life.

So here I am, bawling. I'm feeling horrible for my child self. I shouldn't have had to take on such a role. My parents should have been parents and made sure I felt safe. I should have felt loved and safe in my home. Now looking back, living in a home with any domestic violence is EQUAL to someone in a war. You are always in alert. You can never sleep. You can never let your guard down. I could never sleep. I was always alert for a fight or DANGER. I never ever let my guard down. If I were to be vulnerable for one second, I would be placing myself in a weak spot. When you're in survival mode, you CANNOT be in a weak spot. I was in survival mode at home. All the time. School is where I flourished. Extracurriculars were my jam. Family life, loving, and meaningful relationships? Haha yeah right, no way in hell. I never took any time for that shit. Vulnerability and love will lead you nowhere; or so I thought.
I ended up repeating (worse) my childhood for my eldest daughter. My ex (her biological father) was violent, angry, unpredictable and manipulative. I continued the cycle. My daughter was in the middle of plenty fights, even as a baby. The presence of my daughter never phased my ex...he would do anything to get to me. Huh, funny how similar that is to my childhood. Here's the thing though, I left. I reported the last assault. I took action. I left for my kids. I left for myself. I took Ellie out of the middle. Ellie was no longer in a family fight. She no longer had to witness domestic violence. She no longer had to witness her parents hating one another. She no longer has hate in her life.

Here's the thing with me crying...bawling uncontrollably: I was crying half for myself, and half for Ellie. About a half hour into my crying, I went into the kid's room and cuddled with Ellie for the rest of my breakdown. I feel absolutely horrid that she saw what she did when her bio father was around. I feel guilty for putting her in such a situation, and for ever indirectly placing her in the middle of our fights (silly me, I figured he wouldn't hurt his own daughter to get to me...I was wrong). She still remembers him and the stuff he did to me. She remembers him hitting me and throwing me to the ground. It breaks my heart that she ever had to witness such things. It breaks my heart that I made her feel like myself...the childhood Lindsay who felt insignificant, unloved and unwanted.

This is what I realized about myself and Miss Ellie when I was snuggling her: Ellie is amazing. Ellie is loved. Ellie is wanted. Obviously those words were said to Ellie but meant for myself. I am amazing. I am loved. I am wanted.

If not by my parents, that's okay. As long as I tell myself that and believe it, I will be the best mother I can be to my children. They will feel amazing, loved, and wanted. Hopefully they won't have to deal with loneliness the way I did. I may not be perfect, but I am here. I am full of love for them, I want the best for them, and I am constantly trying to grow emotionally to make sure I'm the best mom I can be. Their father may not be present in their lives. I cannot fill that void...however, I can make sure that the know who to count on when times get rough, and I will always be a listening ear. I will be selfish at times in life (human nature), but I will never simply dismiss the presence of a child in adult matters. I am so thankful for Alberto. We communicate amazingly. We have our moments, but the kids see us work out our differences in a healthy and respectful manner. I want my kids to have standards for loving and healthy relationships. I want them to be happy. I want them to know they're amazing. I want them to know they're loved.  Most of all, I want them to know they're wanted. Everyone is wanted by someone in life. We all serve a purpose in our time on Earth, so why not make it great?

Liar. Liar.

Clear blue water. Coral reef. White soft sand between my toes. Islands in the distance. Colbie Callait playing. Sunshine. Sunshine and no worries.

I wish I were in Maui again on the secluded beach near our fave condos.

I wonder why I always find a mental retreat in this location. Or even on vacation in San Francisco...it seems like the water carries out all of my problems with the tide.

Maybe it's because my life was much simpler then...or I thought so. Now, I am realizing that it was the fake me that thought life was simple. Not the fake me...
But the perception of who I wanted myself to be. I thought that I needed all things to line up in life to be happy...but now I realize the exact opposite.

Here's the thing...no matter what you do, it will never matter unless you are 100% involved in its process. I have never been 100% ...due to my fear of being vulberable. I grew up around people who were supposed to love each other, but instead they used one another's weaknesses as weapons in their daily battles.  I grew up knowing this. I only have a foundation based on portraying myself as a strong and capable woman...when all I really am is lost. I am scared to find out who I really am. Diving into myself is my worst fear. I lie to myself on a daily basis. I had no idea...until someone blatantly pointed it out to me. I was offended at first, because I take pride in telling the truth. However, what I came to realize is that I tell the truth to the extent of my audience's expectation. I never tell my whole truth. I love bananas, but I send in an entire fruit basket in fear of rejection of something I love. I coat things with other truths in order to make it more likeable. If you're having a hard time following along...compare it to a packing bubble. I put my truth in the center of it and cushion the crap out of it in order to passively express myself. In the process of finding this iut about myself, I also found out that I really don't take myself seriously. That breaks my heart. I thought I respected and loved myself this whole time...aka my whole life. However, I realized that I treat myself as an invalid. It's been quite the interesting last couple weeks. I have had to get used to taking my own opinion into consideration...on everything. I have never taken my own opinion as AN OPINION. I usually take advice and find a happy medium within that range.
Here's the problem...you end up floating through life and living for others. It is SO exhausting. I'm absolutely exhausted. Maybe that's why I always "relax"in my thoughts in Maui or San Francisco. In those moments I had the opportunity to be myself...wholly and specifically ME. However, I was too scared to find myself. Maybe it's regret? I definitely have regrets now....

Lost. I am lost. I am Stitch in Lilo and Stitch. I am just hanging on this island doing what other people expect me to do,and have never thought for myself. I view the real me as a black hole. I need to dive in. Birch Bay reference: the Black hole waterslide...I just need to ride the wave and trust that I'll make it through okay.

So here's the truth...I'm in the beginning of the black hole slide and so far it's absolutely freeing. I am figuring out just exactly who I am. Day by day. Hour by hour. I'm not perfect, and that's just fine by me 💜

"Slow is smooth and smooth is fast"

Keep up with me for more personal updates. Depression and PTSD are real issues...I hope that my posts help someone 💜💜