Liar. Liar.

Clear blue water. Coral reef. White soft sand between my toes. Islands in the distance. Colbie Callait playing. Sunshine. Sunshine and no worries.

I wish I were in Maui again on the secluded beach near our fave condos.

I wonder why I always find a mental retreat in this location. Or even on vacation in San Francisco...it seems like the water carries out all of my problems with the tide.

Maybe it's because my life was much simpler then...or I thought so. Now, I am realizing that it was the fake me that thought life was simple. Not the fake me...
But the perception of who I wanted myself to be. I thought that I needed all things to line up in life to be happy...but now I realize the exact opposite.

Here's the thing...no matter what you do, it will never matter unless you are 100% involved in its process. I have never been 100% ...due to my fear of being vulberable. I grew up around people who were supposed to love each other, but instead they used one another's weaknesses as weapons in their daily battles.  I grew up knowing this. I only have a foundation based on portraying myself as a strong and capable woman...when all I really am is lost. I am scared to find out who I really am. Diving into myself is my worst fear. I lie to myself on a daily basis. I had no idea...until someone blatantly pointed it out to me. I was offended at first, because I take pride in telling the truth. However, what I came to realize is that I tell the truth to the extent of my audience's expectation. I never tell my whole truth. I love bananas, but I send in an entire fruit basket in fear of rejection of something I love. I coat things with other truths in order to make it more likeable. If you're having a hard time following along...compare it to a packing bubble. I put my truth in the center of it and cushion the crap out of it in order to passively express myself. In the process of finding this iut about myself, I also found out that I really don't take myself seriously. That breaks my heart. I thought I respected and loved myself this whole time...aka my whole life. However, I realized that I treat myself as an invalid. It's been quite the interesting last couple weeks. I have had to get used to taking my own opinion into consideration...on everything. I have never taken my own opinion as AN OPINION. I usually take advice and find a happy medium within that range.
Here's the problem...you end up floating through life and living for others. It is SO exhausting. I'm absolutely exhausted. Maybe that's why I always "relax"in my thoughts in Maui or San Francisco. In those moments I had the opportunity to be myself...wholly and specifically ME. However, I was too scared to find myself. Maybe it's regret? I definitely have regrets now....

Lost. I am lost. I am Stitch in Lilo and Stitch. I am just hanging on this island doing what other people expect me to do,and have never thought for myself. I view the real me as a black hole. I need to dive in. Birch Bay reference: the Black hole waterslide...I just need to ride the wave and trust that I'll make it through okay.

So here's the truth...I'm in the beginning of the black hole slide and so far it's absolutely freeing. I am figuring out just exactly who I am. Day by day. Hour by hour. I'm not perfect, and that's just fine by me 💜

"Slow is smooth and smooth is fast"

Keep up with me for more personal updates. Depression and PTSD are real issues...I hope that my posts help someone 💜💜