I feel like a lot of issues in this world revolve around people feeling wanted...or unwanted. I know growing up I felt completely displaced, alone, and unwanted. My parents tried to give us "the dream", but forgot about being THERE for us. Honestly, if both of my parents put an equal amount of focus on us, as they had with their jobs, both my brother's and my own life would be absolutely different. We would feel love. We would feel placed. We wouldn't look for our lost selves in others or in material things. I looked for myself in men. My brother looked for himself in drugs and alcohol. I have always based "who I am" on what I think people want to perceive me as. In the last couple weeks, I have been trying to be honest with myself. I have been failing...mostly because I don't even know who I am. I don't know myself. At all. It is scary, alarming, and disappointing that I can go through life NOT knowing myself. I really don't know my emotions...that explains why I never cry. Well, until tonight. Something happened (not out of the ordinary), where I found that I wanted something but didn't take the chance to get it. For some reason, I have an underlying feeling that I didn't deserve it...or that my goals weren't important. I am so thankful for Alberto...we had just been talking about being honest with oneself. The event had triggered something from the talk we had held earlier, and I just shut down and started bawling. I couldn't stop crying for nearly 45 minutes. I was absolutely heartbroken. This was just over an hour ago.
Here's the thing: I grew up in a VERY hate filled household. There was absolutely no emotional support in my family. My parents were horrible to one another, and abusive in their relationship. My role (that I took on around age 4) was to be the middle person; to make sure neither of my parents physically hurt one another. Imagine a 6 year old in between two adults trying to push and shove one another. That was me. That was my life.
So here I am, bawling. I'm feeling horrible for my child self. I shouldn't have had to take on such a role. My parents should have been parents and made sure I felt safe. I should have felt loved and safe in my home. Now looking back, living in a home with any domestic violence is EQUAL to someone in a war. You are always in alert. You can never sleep. You can never let your guard down. I could never sleep. I was always alert for a fight or DANGER. I never ever let my guard down. If I were to be vulnerable for one second, I would be placing myself in a weak spot. When you're in survival mode, you CANNOT be in a weak spot. I was in survival mode at home. All the time. School is where I flourished. Extracurriculars were my jam. Family life, loving, and meaningful relationships? Haha yeah right, no way in hell. I never took any time for that shit. Vulnerability and love will lead you nowhere; or so I thought.
I ended up repeating (worse) my childhood for my eldest daughter. My ex (her biological father) was violent, angry, unpredictable and manipulative. I continued the cycle. My daughter was in the middle of plenty fights, even as a baby. The presence of my daughter never phased my ex...he would do anything to get to me. Huh, funny how similar that is to my childhood. Here's the thing though, I left. I reported the last assault. I took action. I left for my kids. I left for myself. I took Ellie out of the middle. Ellie was no longer in a family fight. She no longer had to witness domestic violence. She no longer had to witness her parents hating one another. She no longer has hate in her life.
Here's the thing with me crying...bawling uncontrollably: I was crying half for myself, and half for Ellie. About a half hour into my crying, I went into the kid's room and cuddled with Ellie for the rest of my breakdown. I feel absolutely horrid that she saw what she did when her bio father was around. I feel guilty for putting her in such a situation, and for ever indirectly placing her in the middle of our fights (silly me, I figured he wouldn't hurt his own daughter to get to me...I was wrong). She still remembers him and the stuff he did to me. She remembers him hitting me and throwing me to the ground. It breaks my heart that she ever had to witness such things. It breaks my heart that I made her feel like myself...the childhood Lindsay who felt insignificant, unloved and unwanted.
This is what I realized about myself and Miss Ellie when I was snuggling her: Ellie is amazing. Ellie is loved. Ellie is wanted. Obviously those words were said to Ellie but meant for myself. I am amazing. I am loved. I am wanted.
If not by my parents, that's okay. As long as I tell myself that and believe it, I will be the best mother I can be to my children. They will feel amazing, loved, and wanted. Hopefully they won't have to deal with loneliness the way I did. I may not be perfect, but I am here. I am full of love for them, I want the best for them, and I am constantly trying to grow emotionally to make sure I'm the best mom I can be. Their father may not be present in their lives. I cannot fill that void...however, I can make sure that the know who to count on when times get rough, and I will always be a listening ear. I will be selfish at times in life (human nature), but I will never simply dismiss the presence of a child in adult matters. I am so thankful for Alberto. We communicate amazingly. We have our moments, but the kids see us work out our differences in a healthy and respectful manner. I want my kids to have standards for loving and healthy relationships. I want them to be happy. I want them to know they're amazing. I want them to know they're loved. Most of all, I want them to know they're wanted. Everyone is wanted by someone in life. We all serve a purpose in our time on Earth, so why not make it great?
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