Love the way you lie pt 2...perfect song to explain abusive patterns from a victim standpoint in the middle of abuse

On the first page of our story
The future seemed so bright,
Then this thing turned out so evil
I don't know why I'm still surprised
Even angels have their wicked schemes
And you take that to new extremes
But you'll always be my hero
Even though you've lost your mind

(Everything is a made up fairy tale in the bginning, and you feel as if you have finally met the "perfect guy". Turns out he is just luring you into his cage so he can trap you in and take advantage of everything you've ever attained in life. You see what has happened and it all makes sense, but you still can't leave).

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie.
I love the way you lie
Ohhh, I love the way you lie

Now there's gravel in our voices
Glass is shattered from the fight
And this tug of war, you'll always win
Even when I'm right.
'Cause you feed me fables from your head
With violent words and empty threats
And it's sick that all these battles
Are what keeps me satisfied

(The abuser now has you trapped in their psychotic lifestyle...they start arguments just to have the fight...they lie and threaten to cheat on you, or leave when you know they won't, but for some reason they have made you believe that the fight is a good thing because they "care" enough to fight with you. If they stopped fighting with you, then that means that they're done with you...you're used and damaged goods. You have put everything you have-and I mean everything-to change yourself to fit the psycho abuser's life. If they move on, you have nothing and no one because they've probably convinced you to alienate yourself from your loved ones...you won't even know yourself.)

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie

Ohhh, I love the way you lie

So maybe I'm a masochist
I try to run but I don't wanna ever leave
Til the walls are goin' up
In smoke with all our memories

(You know you need to leave but you can't...mostly of fear of the outside world. Abusers suck all healthy relationship norms from their victims, and make them think they cannot survive without them in the real world. Living with a psycho is better than forever being alone, right? Isn't that what they convince you?)

[Eminem's Part]
It's morning, you wake, a sunray hits your face
Smeared makeup as we lay in the wake of destruction
Hush baby, speak softly, tell me you're awfully sorry 
That you pushed me into the coffee table last night
So I can push you off me
Try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me
Run out the room and I'll follow you like a lost puppy
Baby, without you, I'm nothing, I'm so lost, hug me
Then tell me how ugly I am, but that you'll always love me
Then after that, shove me, in the aftermath of the
Destructive path that we're on, two psychopaths but we
Know that no matter how many knives we put in each other's backs
That we'll have each other's backs, 'cause we're that lucky
Together, we move mountains, let's not make mountains out of molehills, 
You hit me twice, yeah, but who's countin'?
I may have hit you three times, I'm startin' to lose count
But together, we'll live forever, we found the youth fountain
Our love is crazy, we're nuts, but I refused counsellin'
This house is too huge, if you move out I'll burn all two thousand
Square feet of it to the ground, ain't shit you can do about it
With you I'm in my f-ckin' mind, without you, I'm out it

(Trying to communicate with an abuser is impossible...they start to have normal conversations just to start an argument. You can't ever have a full on normal conversation with an abuser. Also, they always "get even" and come out on top. They can never admit to being wrong. They threaten your life and livelihood, and in my case, the lives of my children. They say that if they can't have you, no one will...that they would rather kill you and bury you than to see you happy with another man. Or that they would kill themselves if you left. They say they would take your children from you and have you killed. They talk about someone else being the mother to your children. Yes...these are all things that abusers say to their victims in the pattern of abuse. These are just some of the things my abuser said to me. This is why the cycle is SO hard to escape. Even if you think they are empty threats...you start to believe them...because they're unpredictable humans aka psycopaths.)

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because 
I love the way you lie

Keep busy...

Keeping busy keeps me sane. Let me explain...I mean with self involving activities. Walking outside, reading, working toward something, being a MOM...all of those things make me feel alive.
You know when you were in school and the teacher would ask you what your fave hobby was? I never knew mine...I never did anything for pure fun, or anything that made me feel passion. I have decided that being a mom is my hobby, and always had been ( ask my besties). I love my kids. I love changing diapers and taking the kids to the park. I love teaching them about life. I love the looks on their face when they see something for the first time. I am living my hobby.
I still feel incomplete though...thanks tho the world.
I wonder if we have all made this "life" business too unreal. Like we all have such plans and orders to everything. It was unheard of when I went from the university student life, only to transfer to the community college my second year. No one understood why I would "back track". Simple: I had NO idea what I wanted to do. All I wanted to do was be a mom...that's all I've ever wanted to do. Here I am, 9 years and 3 kids later...and I still am searching for what I want to "do with my life". Accounting? Law enforcement? Teacher? Fire fighter? Counselor for DV and CDV (Child) survivors? I mean really...those are my top picks and none of them have anything to do with the other, except for helping people. I love people. I want to stand for everything that is right in this world. I want to make a difference. The sad part is that most of the money would be in accounting or counseling, but I wouldn't be reaching the amount of people I could in the other careers. I only want to make money so I can start helping others to better their lives. I want to help people like they've helped me. I want to help those young women who are left to take care of their child on their own...or the DV survivors who end up homeless due to fleeing from a dangerous situation (they should be rewarded for leaving...not condemned). I just want to hurry and finish school so that I can finally start to help others. Raising my kids obviously counts as doing something, but the world has led us mothers to believe that our job is insignificant.
Being a mom is so hard,but it is also SO very important. We are totally doing something with our lives...we're raising the future.

"The hand that rocks the cradle, is the hand that rules the world."

Seriously. In the room next to me lies 3 lives that I'm in charge of. I'm in charge of laying a solid foundation for these humans to be able to live their lives to the fullest. I hope they are happy. Above all else, I hope they love life and live it to the max potential. I want them to have deep and meaningful HEALTHY relationships. I want them to stand for what is right. I want them to find their passion in life and enjoy every single day. I don't ever want them to feel the low points I have in my life.
So here's my point (kids), whether you go to college and do the "norm", become a parent, or if you end up working at a coffee shop for the rest of your life...I hope you are happy and doing what you love. I don't want you to feel pressured to have a hobby like collecting rocks or collecting baseball cards. If you want to be a garbageman, go for it. If you want to be a mom or dad, do it. If you want to travel and swim with turtles, or climb mountains, do it all...and take pics for your momma (or bring me along ;) ). Just be happy. Stay busy...because a life on idle is nothing. There is no time to waste...nor to settle. If you enjoy reading books inside during a rain storm while drinking tea, then do it. Please. Don't feel the world's pressure of always being on the go. Be yourself. Be content...but most of all, feel satisfied that what you're doing is fulfilling in every aspect of your life.

"There are no small jobs or tasks, only small minded people."

You've got this...be happy and LIVE. I love you, my 3 little munckins. My L'ÉTÉ.

Spa time aka bubble bath at home...thoughts that come from within

I have removed my Facebook app from my phone. It wasn't a "distraction" as my mother likes to call it...rather, it's an excuse for me to escape my reality.

When you have PTSD from trauma, sometimes your body and mind block your memory of all events related to the trauma, as an internal defense mechanism. Since October of 2014, I have been taking full advantage of that mechanism. Tonight I have embraced the truth. I have been totally fine "living" my life without re-experiencing everything that has happened to me...except it has actually been to my disadvantage.

I am on anti-depressants from my PTSD and all of the abuse, and have been for over a year. Some days are fine, but other days are still dark. I always thought people who seek counseling or therapy were weak beings who needed others to solve their problems for them. I was always raised to be tough and not to "air" your dirty laundry. Seeking help was known as a form of weakness. I have let myself pretend to embrace the support systems that help-seeking survivors of abuse recieve...whilst internally beating myself up for wanting some therapy to help cope with my current issues.

However, all pride aside...I need therapy. I need someone to hear my story and tell me that it wasn't my fault; that I didn't deserve any of it; that all of my feelings ARE valid and totally okay to feel. I still find myself apologizing for the most ridiculous shit. I always apologize for my feelings. I forgot for years that it's okay to have your own opinion; that the fear of physical and emotional abuse as a consequence for speaking thoughts was a psychological fear, planted by a psychopath. Yes...a psychopath. That's what abusers are. They get a thrill from harming others...you know who else does that? Serial killers.

Anyway, I don't want to relive feelings of being strangled, or the fear of being killed and having my children raised by their psycho father; due to their mother dying from internal bleeding or brain hemorrhaging. What a way to die. How embarrassing. I have a hard time embracing the fact that I stayed for 4 years; that I had 3 children with him...that I fell for everything. I was always stronger than that. I was smart...I made good choices. But you know what? That doesn't matter...because I have come to realize that all abusers prey on strong AND insecure women. They prey on your weakness to lure you in, and in turn take all your strengths and CRUSH them. You are left with nothing, which is exactly how they want it to play out. The abuser wants you to feel as if the only person you have is them; that way they can forever control you.

I was weak. I was fearful. I'm still fearful. I never want to feel those feelings again. However, those feelings have been creating a dark monster in my soul. I am afraid of what I am capable of, had I been left to my own devices this whole time. If it weren't for my children and my love (these 4 humans are literally the only light in my life), I am scared of where I would be. I can't imagine how women get through these dark times without some sort of light in their life. Maybe they just don't; that's the sad truth.

I know that I need to do better and seek help because I have 3 children who look up to me. I want them to face their own fears. I don't want their bad life choices to own them. I don't want them to be afraid of facing hard times. I want them to be courageous. I want to be courageous. I need to fight this dark monster inside of me. In order to do so, I need to stop ignoring it and shine some light directly into my soul. I need to face my fears. I need to close my eyes and tell someone exactly what happened to me and how it made me feel. I need to turn my experiences from trauma into memories.

I'm hoping this process will work. I'm honestly scared shitless. I don't want to do this, but I NEED to do this. I use my kids as an excuse, but I really need this for ME. I deserve to move on from this horrific chapter. Unless I reread it, I'll never be able to finish the chapter and write the rest of my book. 💙


*btw I was just able to reread this post before publishing. I have never been able to do that before. Progress people. Progress.