When you have PTSD from trauma, sometimes your body and mind block your memory of all events related to the trauma, as an internal defense mechanism. Since October of 2014, I have been taking full advantage of that mechanism. Tonight I have embraced the truth. I have been totally fine "living" my life without re-experiencing everything that has happened to me...except it has actually been to my disadvantage.
I am on anti-depressants from my PTSD and all of the abuse, and have been for over a year. Some days are fine, but other days are still dark. I always thought people who seek counseling or therapy were weak beings who needed others to solve their problems for them. I was always raised to be tough and not to "air" your dirty laundry. Seeking help was known as a form of weakness. I have let myself pretend to embrace the support systems that help-seeking survivors of abuse recieve...whilst internally beating myself up for wanting some therapy to help cope with my current issues.
However, all pride aside...I need therapy. I need someone to hear my story and tell me that it wasn't my fault; that I didn't deserve any of it; that all of my feelings ARE valid and totally okay to feel. I still find myself apologizing for the most ridiculous shit. I always apologize for my feelings. I forgot for years that it's okay to have your own opinion; that the fear of physical and emotional abuse as a consequence for speaking thoughts was a psychological fear, planted by a psychopath. Yes...a psychopath. That's what abusers are. They get a thrill from harming others...you know who else does that? Serial killers.
Anyway, I don't want to relive feelings of being strangled, or the fear of being killed and having my children raised by their psycho father; due to their mother dying from internal bleeding or brain hemorrhaging. What a way to die. How embarrassing. I have a hard time embracing the fact that I stayed for 4 years; that I had 3 children with him...that I fell for everything. I was always stronger than that. I was smart...I made good choices. But you know what? That doesn't matter...because I have come to realize that all abusers prey on strong AND insecure women. They prey on your weakness to lure you in, and in turn take all your strengths and CRUSH them. You are left with nothing, which is exactly how they want it to play out. The abuser wants you to feel as if the only person you have is them; that way they can forever control you.
I was weak. I was fearful. I'm still fearful. I never want to feel those feelings again. However, those feelings have been creating a dark monster in my soul. I am afraid of what I am capable of, had I been left to my own devices this whole time. If it weren't for my children and my love (these 4 humans are literally the only light in my life), I am scared of where I would be. I can't imagine how women get through these dark times without some sort of light in their life. Maybe they just don't; that's the sad truth.
I know that I need to do better and seek help because I have 3 children who look up to me. I want them to face their own fears. I don't want their bad life choices to own them. I don't want them to be afraid of facing hard times. I want them to be courageous. I want to be courageous. I need to fight this dark monster inside of me. In order to do so, I need to stop ignoring it and shine some light directly into my soul. I need to face my fears. I need to close my eyes and tell someone exactly what happened to me and how it made me feel. I need to turn my experiences from trauma into memories.
I'm hoping this process will work. I'm honestly scared shitless. I don't want to do this, but I NEED to do this. I use my kids as an excuse, but I really need this for ME. I deserve to move on from this horrific chapter. Unless I reread it, I'll never be able to finish the chapter and write the rest of my book. 💙
*btw I was just able to reread this post before publishing. I have never been able to do that before. Progress people. Progress.
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